


If I Break

by ScarletRequiem



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, I just wanted something to end happily, I'm gonna regret writing this later but what the hell, Kieran's probably OOC, Nobody Else Was Doing It, so i took it upon myself, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26838361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletRequiem/pseuds/ScarletRequiem
Summary: Based off the Tumblr prompt: "If you don't hug me right now, I think I might fall apart."This was going to be a one-shot, then I was like, "Maybe I should make a second part."Anyways, now it's a five-times fic.So, five times Lauren tried to talk to Kieran, and one time she succeeded.
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

Lauren stands outside of the apartment door, breath fogging in front of her in a white cloud. Her face is tinged pink from the cold and she places a hand on the door.

She should knock. She doesn't.

The door is unlocked and creaks open softly. She pokes her head in, glancing around, strands of loose red hair falling into her eyes.

"Kieran?" She calls, voice level and soft.

He doesn't answer. Is he even here?

The door was unlocked, so he must be. She sighs gently, closing it behind her. She shrugs off her coat and kicks off her shoes, placing them carefully by the door.

The kitchen is untouched, so she passes it by, moving right to the room she had stayed in previously. She cracks the door open, not knowing what to expect.

He's there, curled up on the bed, surrounded by white. He's wearing a dark coat, contrasting sharply with the sheets.

He looks terrifyingly small, hugging himself protectively.

Kieran is holding himself together, broken pieces trying desperately to remain a whole.

Broken. Shattered. He may as well be in a million pieces on the floor, a fragile vase that someone has finally pushed just enough to tip off of the edge and break against the cold, hard ground.

Lauren enters quietly. He doesn't seem to notice.

She sits on the side of the bed. It's soft and dips underneath her weight, although not a lot; Kieran is the one laying in a depression.

She almost laughs at the irony.

"Kieran."

He doesn't respond, so she reaches out to touch his shoulder. He's cold, and so still that she worries he's dead, but she can see the soft rise and fall of his chest.

_"Kieran?"_

His hands tighten on his upper arms. 

"What do you want?"

His voice is chilly and slightly raspy, no jokes or mockery in his tone. It's too soon after for that; she's caught him at the worst possible time, the time after an assignment but before he's managed to seal the raw emotion away, never to be seen, never to see the light of day again.

Her hands grasp his shoulders from behind, trying to pull him towards her, the plea on her lips.

They can both hear it, despite it not being voiced.

_Look at me._

_Please, please, look at me._

Kieran won't, he _can't._ He can't look, can't see the sadness or anger in her burning amber eyes.

"Why are you here, Lauren?"

He sounds so painfully exhausted; her heart pangs in her chest.

"To talk," she whispers.

"About?"

"You. Me. Us."

A dry laugh. "There's nothing to talk about. Leave, this doesn't concern you-"

"It does," Lauren says quietly, voice firm. "You're my partner. Talk to me, Kieran."

"No."

_I can't._

"You will," she said softly. "Eventually."

Then she leaves.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauren tries again.

_Just like last time._

She opens the door. It creaks, just like last time.

She takes her shoes and jacket off, just like last time.

Today, something is different. Instead of the bedroom, she can see light, spilling out from underneath the locked door.

Again, different from last time, she knocks.

No answer.

"I know you're in there," she breathed, pressing her forehead against the door.

Like last time, just like last time, her hand brushes the doorknob. Unlocked. She turns it, the door opening quietly, not creaking like the front door. She goes to step inside-

_"Don't come in."_

She obeys, the door closing. 

Lauren presses her back against it, sliding down and resting against the floor.

She'll wait. She'll keep her promise.

_Kieran White, you will talk to me._

_But... when you're ready._

_I can wait until you're ready._

* * *

Kieran draws.

Inside the room, the pencil scratches frantically. The art isn't good, but it doesn't matter; he doesn't care.

Kieran draws.

He draws, ignoring the stinging pain in his chest, the drops of blood ~~not his blood~~ around the room that he knows only he can see, ignoring the pain.

He's always ignored it.

And he will continue to.

So he pays no mind to the faces of the people he's slaughtered, contorted in agony and fear. 

He ignores the guilt.

He ignores the pain.

He ignores the _hurt._

And most of all, he ignores the woman he knows is waiting for him outside the door. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time, she corners him in the Archives.

"Kieran."

It's been a day, long enough for his eyes to fade back to blue. He places a file back on the shelf.

"Yes, darling?" He says, turning to her, smirking in the way he knows makes her want to break more ribs.

She glares at him, advancing, cornering him in the shelves.

"Talk."

It's an order, not a request. Kieran swallows, but keeps his mouth shut, looking down at her. The smile is still there, but they both know it's fake. Flimsy. Like cardboard, almost.

"Why?" He challenges her.

Surprisingly, the glare fades, and she just looks at him with immeasurable sadness in her eyes.

The smile slips.

So there they are, staring each other down in the Archives.

Lauren takes his arm.

"This isn't healthy."

_I know._

"What isn't?" He says.

The glare is back, her gaze razoring into him, slicing him into ribbons.

If she keeps looking at him like that, she'll cut the walls, too. She'll break the barriers and he'll fall apart.

He can't fall apart. The walls, the barriers, they're the fragile glue keeping him together.

He's so broken, isn't he?

He doesn't want to fall apart. 

He _can't._

He doesn't know how to put himself back together.

The plea is Kieran's, this time.

~~_Help me._~~

Break me. Fix me. Put me back together. You're the only one who knows how.

The words are on his tongue, begging to be spoken, to be heard.

But he can't say that. He can't be weak. He can't let this woman make him vulnerable.

So there they are. There she is, dissecting him with her eyes. 

Then she shakes her head and turns, walking away.

How many times now has he watched her go?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They walk together.

It snows.

Big, fat flakes drift down from the sky, and they walk together, leaving two sets of footprints behind them.

The snow is sticky and wet and gets into both of their hair, soaking it. They don't talk, just walk and exhale clouds of white.

Kieran remembers pain. He remembers her cornering him today.

Lauren remembers a broken man, curled up in on himself.

They don't talk.

She glances at him, thinking of a hoarse voice, a man in pieces.

Suddenly, a feeling slams into her, burrowing its way into her chest, into her core.

She wants to hold his hand. She wants to reach out and interlace her fingers with his. No words are needed.

 _I'm here,_ she wants to say, breath catching in her throat.

She remembered how weak he had looked, a shell of a person; but she doesn't speak, not wanting to break the silence.

Kieran glances at her, and- a more common occurrence these days- she takes his breath away. A snowflake catches on one of her eyelashes, melting away in seconds. Lauren's skin is pale, flurries of snow sweeping past her, tinging her face a soft pink. Red hair, bright- not metallic like blood, but burning like a fire. Warm. He's always liked to play with fire, after all.

And her eyes.

Ichor, pure gold, striking and unforgettable, harsh but still kind. 

God, she's stunning.

He's quite a looker himself- he knows that- but normally he avoids looking in mirrors, for the sake of the blood he'll see himself doused in from head to toe. Even if he could, he'd never compare himself to her. She's practically a goddess.

He's so fucking far gone on this woman.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk.

She's coming.

She's coming for him, coming to shout at him, to call him a monster, to hurt him, to break him.

Then she'll leave, and that'll be that. No second chance, no earning back her trust, because _he's done it again._

He's fucking done it again.

Kieran's mind barely registers what's happening, white noise ringing in his ears. He appreciates it. It drowns out the screaming.

He continues forward, absentmindedly brushing off leaves that stuck to his coat. They came way bloody.

He doesn't care. Like the blood in his locked room, it's not his.

 _Just get to the cave,_ he thinks.

When he does get to the cave, he pushes the gate open and it takes all of his energy not to collapse right there.

He limps ( ~~ _why is he limping)_~~ past the couch and into the back room, lacking the energy to even take off the bloodstained jacket. 

The room is pretty barren, only having a table and two chairs. He just drops onto the floor right then and there, sighing, muscles aching.

He's so tired.

In the back of his mind, a noise registers- the gate creeping open again.

Kieran groans, slumping. He really doesn't want to argue today; not with her.

He stands, leaning on the wall, and sways a bit. _Fuck._ He's probably in shock.

He emerges from the back room and yep, there she is, a woman with fiery red hair, staring right at him.

He steps out, leaning on the doorway for support. Lauren takes broad steps, moving towards him, and he says, "Listen, I really don't want-"

Then she grabs him and yanks him into a hug.

Kieran stiffens, his body seeming to lock up as her arms wind tightly around him.

His breath hitches. "Lauren-"

"Shut up," she growls.

He obeys, but can't bring himself to hug her back. He's tired, _why is he so tired?_

She releases him. "You look awful."

"Thanks," he mutters hoarsely.

"Are you okay?"

"Tired."

Lauren stepped back, surveying him. "I've never seen you like this."

"For good reason," Kieran whispers, sagging against the doorframe. "I think I'm in shock."

"Damn."

"Yeah, basically."

"Do you... want some help?"

A pause.

"That would be nice," he admits.

Lauren nods, then takes his arm and guides him towards the couch. He almost trips. _Embarrassing._

She didn't say anything, just pushes him lightly onto the couch. Kieran lets out a soft sigh, relaxing.

She sits next to him, staying quiet.

"You want to talk about it...?"

"Not really."

Lauren moves to the side and wraps an arm around his waist. He tenses again; he's not really used to being touched.

"I'm covered in blood."

"I don't care."

A beat of silence.

"Why?" He whispers, and they both know that the hug is not what he's talking about.

"It just occurred to me," Lauren says softly, "That maybe the ones you kill aren't the only ones suffering from the act."

Kieran's eyes flash over to her.

Her breath catches in her throat as she stares at him, caught completely off guard by the sheer amount of emotion on his face.

He sighs, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

"I..." He pauses. "Yes. Yes, you're right."

Kieran sighs again, reaching out and hesitating before opening his arms awkwardly.

Lauren moves forward, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him down, pressing his face against her shoulder.

All of the tension drains from his body as he slumps over, relaxing into her, exhaling weakly.

A soft laugh bubbles up. _She's so small._

"Thank you," he whispers.

"No problem, subordinate."

Lauren felt him go still.

Then he yanks her up onto his lap, holding her tight. Fuck, he's shaking.

_Okay, okay, calm down. This is fine. I'm fine..._

_Everything is going to be okay._

They hold on to each other tightly.


End file.
